"Dreams are real while they last, what more can be said of life."

I had number of coaches through out my adolescence, and to a person they were all idealists. "You've got to believe that you can. If you believe, then you can". I mean most of them would have loved "The Secret" , as long as they could have seen the movie and not have had to read the book. "Just believe and all things come true." In some form or another most people are attracted to the idea that we can do things with our mind. "He's going to miss the field goal, miss the field goal, miss it, miss it, miss....", "I'm going to take my last few bucks and buy a lottery ticket."
Of course, if you don't win the game or you don't mentally block the other team's free throw then it's because you didn't believe enough. Today was a consequence of my unbelief. What was actually a pretty good day, fell short of a great day because I got a speck of (%$!!UCK##) in my eye. And being, rather weak in my spirituality lately, I was unable to "think" the damn thing away. It would have been depressing as all hell, it I wasn't able to compartmentalize my own philosophical approach. I was not a victim, but merely exist in a mechanistic material world that has all kinds of minuscule specks blowing around in the environment of which I'm just another part of and that speck and my eye met up. Actually this having different reality paradigms, often quite conflicting, seems to be the norm rather than the exception, like a Christian Fundamentalist who believes in dinosaurs, or that a woman could be a preacher. As a psychological gimmick it not only relieves a lot of stress, but lets the scientific fellow enjoy the ghost stories. It is only the fanatic that seems to be able to hold only one paradigm and give service to only it. But all in all, after all these years the real truth is probably that they all equal, and all are hollow. It's that some are a little more entertaining than others. Anyway, my eye feels better now just talking about it.

Kamala and I have finally completed our project of restoring the little pop-up trailer. Kamala has done a fantastic job of sewing the canvas. I mean great. Not having sewn very much in her life and to take the old canvas, cut a pattern from it and sew the heavy material together is just amazing. I have played more of a support role, you know, giving my opinion, making Kamala a cup of coffee, putting a microwave dinner on or telling her what a wonderful job she's doing. It's been a little tough, but fun at the same time and now it's ready to roll, so we are taking off for a couple of weeks. The list has been checked, the bike and the dog packed and we'll be rolling out tomorrow morning. Actually it's just a little test run around West Texas and eastern New Mexico as we have to be back in a couple of weeks, so Kamala can do her civic duty as a juror and then I have my own jury duty the first week of January. I've been thinking of committing some minor crime, not enough to go to jail, but just enough to get convicted of a felony so I won't have to do this jury crap. I'd rather dispense soup at the homeless shelter or give free condoms to hookers... ah, but that's another rant for another time.

Why I've decided to vote Republican.

Why I've decided to vote Republican.

My wife owns a brewery and made 6 million dollars last year. No, wait that's McCain, but if we were in that tax bracket I'd sure as hell vote Republican. Even a couple of hundred thousand a year would probably financially justify being a Republican, but alas, I don't, so that's not the reason.

The war in Iraq, now there's a good war, a just war, one that we can be proud of. Don't be like those wimpy liberals and go crying that there was no WMDs or no real evidence that they had ties to Al Qaeda or 9-11. You don't have to be a genius to see they look alike and they're Muslims. for Christ's sake. I mean what a weird religion. (72 virgins and cool, flowing streams, with all kinds of fruit just for the picking; what a screwed up idea! Haven't they ever heard the true story about streets of gold and getting to sit around and talk to Jesus and God all day?)
And, like George said, "We won!" (the last 5 years have just been a little cleaning up action) And every American generation needs to kick a little ass and feel good about itself. And it's good for business, just ask Halliburton, and don't give me any of that shit about Cheney's ex-company (the world is full of coincidences) And did you realize that ammo, bombs and all that stuff will just deteriorate in storage?Just think of the training we're getting for all our troops in case a real war pops up. (Think about all those monotheistic rag heads in Iran) Now all you namby pamby liberals shedding tears over a few dead American kids make me sick. We've lost less than 5,000 total (Hell, we kill more than that in couple of months in car wreaks here at home and it doesn't even compare with 50,000 plus in Viet Nam) I know, I know, what about those brave solders who lost an arm or a leg.-- Just remember, "What does not kill me makes me stronger'. They will emerge with a stronger character - just look at all those old WWII vets. Now don't get me wrong I applaud our fighting men and women over there risking their lives. And now, with an all volunteer military, good ole capitalistic supply and demand is giving economic opportunity to lower class Americans everywhere. But, no it's not the war that will make me vote Republican (even the Democrats promise a least another year and a half of it).

Cuba, now there's a good reason to vote Republican. Damn Communists! The Democrats would even "talk" to Raul Castro. (McCarthy is turning over in his grave).
Republicans have it right when they draw the line at doing any business with communists or socialists. ( Well, except for China, India, and Europe and besides, who needs their damn cigars anyway).

In fact, by not talking to Cuba, Iran, N.Korea, Hamas, Chavez, your mother-in-law (anyone that you don't like) things will get better and Republicans recognize that. (ok, ok, I know that they still communicate with these people through 3 parties, but it's not the same and we've got to keep our respect, huh?) But, no it's not really the Republican's stand on Communist and Dictators that's going to get my vote.

Is it the high gas prices. McCain wants to drill. No I'm just not moved by this one (didn't we all know that eventually all those environmental sanctuaries would eventually be tapped when times got tight--ah come on, you knew that). And just because it will take 20 years for us to experience the financial gains from it, that's no reason not to do it, besides I don't own any beachfront property. And when was the last time you ate a caribou steak? Don't go whining about the environment being lost to future generations---Where are your kids now? With TV, the internet, video games, cell phones, and I-pods the farthest activity that 99% of them want to do is get out in nature. They don't want to go camping in Alaska!

I can't say Obama is any better on this one. Inflate your tires! Sure inflate your tires, drive 20 -30 miles BELOW the speed limit, consider your "carbon footprint", and "look for alternatives.

If either one of these guys really gave a damn about gas prices, and the environment they would give up their big houses and stop flying all across the country burning ton, after ton of jet fuel. No I'm sorry, I think this one is out of the hands of politicians, it's good ole supply and demand and demographic preferences both here and the world. So this issues is sure not going to get my vote one way or the other.

Then there's the health care issue. As usual, the Democrats want to basically socialize medicine and we all know that doesn't work, just ask Canada, Great Britain, France, Sweden, The Netherlands. The Republicans on the other hand want to leave it to the private sector and that seems great to me, but I'm a little worried that all that money the big drug companies and insurance companies are "donating" millions of dollars to our politicians (Republicans and Democrats) is not really making in a true competition among all interested parties (pure capitalism doesn't need to make laws to protect the drug and insurance companies). So, unless John calls for legislators to not take any more bribes, sorry donations, it isn't this issue that's going to get my vote.

Then there is that perennial issue of family values of which I've just go to side with the Republican's here. I mean, the Constitution is all well and good, but let's face what is more important than God, Mom, apple pie, and the flag? I don't know about you, but my life is so much more serene since they added "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.

Abortion, well I'm against it. Is there anyone out there that really has a campaign going on out there to kill more unborn babies? Quite Frankly, I'm much more concerned that we had over 3 million reports of child abuse last year, but I kind of think that it is a little easier and simplistic to march against killing unborn babies. And shouldn't we give unborn babies full rights like the right to inherit property or be counted in a census? Why don't people demonstrate for that?

Homosexuality- Now this is bound to be bad, because it is mentioned in the Bible. (slavery ok, homosexuality- bad) Oh the word isn't really in the Bible, but we have insinuations, like it's a no-no for a man to lie down with another man (didn't say anything about just bending over) Obviously, if everyone became a homosexual that humans would die out and we can't have that. But I think we ought to try to "bring them around" to a hetero-like lifestyle, you know make'm get married ( hell, they're going to diddle each other, just like heterosexuals, whether you approve of it or not), get divorced, pay alimony, pay for insurance for their partners. We should be ever alert for a major push to "homofi" the general population though, just in case; 'cause I not sure "you" could withstand the pressure.

Cloning -- I'm sure this is wrong, especially when I think that George Bush might be cloned.

Prayer in schools--Well, okay go ahead. I can remember when I played high school football, we would say a prayer before every game. More often than not we got the crap beat out of us but we always knew that God was on our side (obviously watching more than helping, but it made me the man I am today.) ***As a school teacher, I was always suspicious that the students weren't really using that "moment of silence" we had each morning to pray, if we made them pray out loud I'm sure their grades on the state test would go up. Amen!

So all these family values that Republicans believe in, I go along with (did I mention guns? I got guns too!), but that's not why I'm voting Republican.

And then there was this really convincing e-mail that I got that made fun of Obama's name (You have to admit Obama sounds more like a comic book sound than an American President). And that Osama Bin Laden's name was a little like Obama's and then the kicker----Sen. Kennedy slipped (Freudian, I do believe) and called Obama, Osama ( If that's not a sign of true evil, what is? Huh?) I was ready to vote Republican right then and there and then I realized that McCain rhymes with Hussein. Oh my, with George Washington Bush it was all so simple!

And, of course, the claim that Obama is an uppity black man (he never even had a "slave" name to change), but then couldn't that be explained by Harvard, I mean aren't all those Ivy Leaguers a bit uppity. Think of all those past Presidents that wouldn't have made it if disqualified Ivy Leaguers. Hell, G.W. went to Yale (Cs do count in college, don't they?) And doesn't anyone have to be a bit egotistical to think that they are best suited to lead the most powerful country in the free world. I would hope J.M. would be too!

This next one, almost was the clincher to vote for McCain. Obama does not wear an American Flag in his lapel! And on his airplane is a modern stylistic symbol of American "strips" and not "Old Glory". The horrors of it all. I know, in my life, symbols have always been so much more important than substance. (like I said, I used to be a teacher). In fact, I think that all good Republican women should get a cute little American flag tattoo in the small of their back so that when they're...., you know....., that doggie thing, well the guy could be.... loving old glory....

Another factor was a recent poll that showed McCain was leading in the group of white, male, uneducated workers. I mean how could all those Bubbas be wrong.

These are all good reasons, but I was still leaning toward the Democratic side until the other day, I rounded a corner and there in one of my neighbor's yard was the deciding factor in my decision to vote Republican. A yard sign that read
John McCain for President. God bless yard signs!

Early morning

I got up early, as is usually (not because more sleep wouldn't have been nice, but because this old body starts aching to lay on it too much). But I have always liked early mornings. Something fresh, new and not so cluttered with people yet. Anyway, I wander outside and see this sun rise, so I grab the camera and take this snap shot. The color is pretty true.

As a kid, I had morning paper routes and the early morning solitude was a little mystical; kind of like it all belonged to me 'cause there wasn't anyone else there to lay claim on it with their presence. Like most good things "always" doesn't fit. I can remember some cold, wet, winter mornings that were fraaking miserable. At one point I had a job in a meat packing plant, (which I don't think fit in with Buddha's 8-fold path thing of right livelihood- snuffing cows and all that) and I had to get up a 3 a.m., and walk a couple of miles to work. I loved the walk. It would probably be too much to call it enchanting, but it was nice.

Anyway, after I take the picture, I come in and put it on the computer screen and pick Dolly Parton's "Early Morning Breeze" on the media player. Perfect.
"I open up my door to greet the early morning sun, and closing it behind me away I do run, to the meadow where the meadow lark is singing in the trees......."

This retirement bit is taking some adjustment. We have always had summers off, but there was always a push to go have fun or get something done since "free time" was finite. Now there is no time limit, but we still feel very lazy if we don't get something accomplished. We're working on it though.

I have sinned

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I am a whore. No, no, not the fun kind of whore. Not servicing some one's carnal instincts. No kinky acts in cheap motels ( I should have been so lucky.) But I have sold myself for money. While the "bending over" and servicing the "good ole boys" was only figurative, it is true I was a kept man for the last few years and for letting them use me for "their own" pleasures I received a pretty comfortable income. True, it was immoral, degrading, and humiliating and the only reason I did it was for my own selfish love of money. I was a whore, an institutional whore, an EDUCATIONAL WHORE. I taught my students at Irvin High School the TEST (Texas Academic Knowledge and Skills Test) and did not give them a "real" education. The shame of it all!

Ok, ok, it wasn't illegal, but I did get screwed, and the kids, they got screwed and the administrators (my clients) they smiled a lot, relishing their feeling of power as they looked at the growing numbers and feeling their fat pocketbooks getting fatter. You see, I was a pretty damn good whore.

I wasn't always a jaded prostitute going against my own morals and selling my services (which was at least unethical if not illegal) There really was a time when I was young, innocent and trying to do the right thing. Now I don't want to sound too pious here. My own moral threshold wasn't always in line with cultural norms and I might have messed up and did things wrong at times, but it wasn't like I was purposely doing the "wrong" thing.

Teaching was a neat little accident for me. After wasting a few years of my youth in the Marine Corps learning how to use multi tonal four letter words in myriads of meaning, the one thing that I knew about my life was that I didn't want to be a Marine (although, I've go to say that being an ex-Marine has opened doors for me, not the least of which was getting my initial job offering to teach.) So it was off to college where I pursued the career of professional student for the next few years. Uncle Sam chipped in with 100 dollars a month (G.I. Bill) and good ole Dad, who actually hadn't liked me very much since I became a teenager (go figure!) gave me a 30 hours a week job polishing small plastic buttons down into contact lenses. I was not rich by any means, but this allowed me to leisurely take 18 to 20 hours of whatever I wanted to from history, to philosophy, to metallurgy, to underwater basket weaving. In those days a full time student was 12 hours and anything over that was free so unlike today's money-conscious student making every course count (think Duck flying, with neck stretched out destination in mind) I could pick and choose whatever struck my fancy (think Buzzard, leisurely flying in circles and picking any tasty morsel that attracted it) and if it turned out to be boring, I just dropped it and often I did. Ironically, this totally haphazard approach to career planning turned out to be fateful because when I finally decided "to leave" the student profession and I asked the counselor, "What can I get a degree in with the hours that I have?" he just kind of slowly shook his head, murmmering, "tsk, tsk,......Oh wait a minute, you could be a teacher." My fate was sealed.

Frankly, the idea of teaching had never occurred to me and it created cascading sphincter spasms
whenever I thought about it. But I plunged ahead, since I wasn't able to think of a viable alternative. At an indoctrination assembly of new teachers in the district one speaker said, well he said a lot, but I only remember ..."Just be yourself" and I thought..."Hey, I can do that, and that became my mantra.

I've got to tell you that although teaching was an accident, I loved it right away. There was lots of positive energy (mostly from the students) to suck up and probably the best thing was that there was idea, at least in Social Studies, that the student should be given the opportunity to think. So it became a game to ask the right questions; to present the material in a way that made them ask questions. Nights were filled with "teacher dreams" and what I was reading or what was happening on the news (Viet Nam, Watergate, Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll) could always be worked into the questions. Like I said, I probably did some things wrong, but I wasn't intentionally screwing with anyone, I was just being me. The feedback was positive from students, peers, and the administration. I was allowing them to think and make decisions on their own and at the same time emphasizing and modeling that they were responsible for their on actions, thoughts and feelings. I loved it and I didn't feel like I was compromising myself.

Then I had my first retirement. I did not leave teaching because of anything negative concerning the teaching. I just wanted to "see" the world from a different perspective. I spent the next 10 years running around Mexico. (I bought junk in Mexico and sold "antiques" in the States). Generally it was a pretty good experience and I learned a lot and I liked it. But, maybe, just maybe, my willingness to compromise myself for a few bucks started at this period, because trying to sell someone something (especially something they don't need) involves a bit of deceptiveness such as "liking what the customer likes", "being the type of person the customer is". You know, being something you're not to make the sell.

By the time I returned to teaching a lot of things had changed. Accountability had become the buzz word. You see, teacher's salaries had increased quite a bit, but politicians never give anything for free. In exchange for the money, teachers would have to jump through a few hoops. Not much, you know, little things like take a literacy test (they didn't trust University Diplomas) and although less than 1% of teachers in Texas failed the test (a few coaches, duh!) the practice along with the expense continues today. You also had to teach by the numbers. Remember those outlined canvases that you could paint by with the numbers correlating to the number on the paint vials? Well, teachers were expected to follow the script (lock step). It seems that while the legislators all thought they got a good education, that today something must be broke so who better to fix it than someone who got his job primarily on his ability to bullshit (legislators).

Slowly these measures, began to eat up teacher's creativity and the more we jumped through hoops the more we gave up control. It was a training period for whores. Don't let 'em fool you. The amount teachers get paid for 9 and a half months of work is a good income and once you get accustomed to the easy hours, and days off (not paid, but, hey, all the holidays and more), it becomes hard to give up for a few measly ideals, like "getting students to think" rather than "you should know this". The kicker came with state wide exit testing. I remember when the idea of statewide testing started, a principal getting up and saying... "Now, we are not going to teach the test." My last principal made no bones about it..."You are going to teach the test.".

True education is really, really hard to measure objectively. Sometimes, just one little bit of information garnered in a boring class, or a long-winded book can be life changing and only you can say that it is. Someone else could have read that same book, sat in the same class and memorized all kinds of facts, made an excellent grade on an objective test and NOT gotten the same life changing experience. An incident that changes your perspective on the world is infinitesimally more relevant than to know a whole list of dates, or facts. But the Exit Test is an Objective Test. It is the numbers that count. Let's look at that through a football analogy, (we love those in Texas). Your team scores more points and you win the game. The coach for a winning team (number of wins) is a hero and can get a "better" job (and more money) somewhere else. So do we have football just for the winners? Is all about numbers or would you expect your child who is playing football to gain some agility, learn something about cooperation, his ability to persist, leadership, and even how to lose. But now we are awarding only the objective end of the game to the test takers (although, this is a minimal skills test) but mainly we are awarding the coaches (read administrators here- principals, superintendents and all those in between). So with this pressure on the administrators to succeed they, in turn, lay it on the teachers. And, unless you are a teacher with no moral compass about what you are cheating your students out of by teaching only the test (Happy Hookers, I guess), you begin to sell your soul for a few dollars.

Please don't get me wrong. I have nothing against a minimal skills test, but it should not become the all encompassing job of the teacher. It is not what is gained by teaching test but it is what is lost and at what cost. Opportunity cost means that you give up something. You spend most of your time teaching to the lowest common denominator in the class, not to see where a student is on the scale of objective data, but to make sure that some administrator's score looks good.

While I sacrificed students time to the Test God, I was not always a good little whore. There were times that I played, and questioned and slipped in something (not approved) to try to get people to think. And I've got to say that my students, like most Texas Students today, have learned the program and are not really complaining about it, but if you have a child in a Texas school room today, you should be really upset with me, and other whores like me, not to mention our clients (administrators) that are cheating your children out of a really good education that is actually possible, but are not getting today.

Wow! I feel better, and I promise, no more whoring; from now on I'll just be myself.